I'm who?
by selenepotter
Summary: A modern person Self-inserts into a Game of Thrones character.
1. Chapter 1: I'm in Game Of Thrones!

This has alway been a bad intersection. The traffic going East or West has a Left turn arrow light, so they can cross traffic and make a left turn. But the North-South traffic has a turn lane with no light. As a result, there have been many accidents here. The intersection desperately need either a Left turn light on a no left turn sign.

As I waited, the lights changed and the walk light appeared. I was halfway across the street when a left turning car that had no light slammed into me . . .

I came out of a daze surrounded by a bunch of people in medieval garb. A fat man said: "Tell it true now. It's a great crime to lie to a king."

"I . . . I . . . I don't know," I replied.

"LIAR! LIAR! LIAR!" screamed a little girl as she started hitting me in the back.

I realized that I was smaller than most of the people there. So the little girl must be positively tiny. Still, her fists hurt as they struck me.

"She's as wild as that beast of hers" said a blonde woman, dressed like a princess. "What about the Wolf?"

"I forgot about the damn wolf," groaned the fat man.

"Your Grace, we searched every where for the Wolf. We found no sign," replied the man, who had pulled the little girl off me.

"Well that's it" said the fat man.

"They have another wolf," sneered the princess.

"No! Not Lady! Lady is good. You leave her alone!" screamed the little girl.

It was like having a bucket of ice water thrown on me. I suddenly realized where I was . . . (I'm a Self-Insert into the Game of Thrones! I'm going to die! Messily!)

Throwing my shoulders back, I glared at the woman, I assumed to to be Cersi.

"Then I hereby declare myself, in rebellion, against the cuckholding Queen Cersi and her incestuous Bastard, Joffrey Waters that she made with the Kingslayer!" I yelled.


	2. Chapter 2: Telling tales

"Then I hereby declare my self, in rebellion, against the cuckholding Queen Cersi and her incestuous Bastard, Joffrey Waters that she made with the Kingslayer!" I yelled.

"You lying cunt! I'll gut you for that" snarled Joffrey, as he reached for his sword.

"Such accusations are treasonous," added Cersi. "I'll have your head for this"

"Quiet Woman!" growled King Robert, before turning to his friend. "Ned your daughter is obviously distraught. Let's sleep on this. We'll be clearer headed in the morning."

"Yes, your Grace," replied Ned Stark as he grabbed his daughters to drag them off.

"No! you can't just sweep this under the rug!" chided Cersi. "The girl has made treasonous lies against us. She must pay the price! Not to mention their wolf mangled our son!"

"It's not a lie it's true!" I screamed, as I fought not to be drug from the tent. "Why do you think all her children look like Ser Jamie and all your bastards look like you? She's been fucking Ser Jamie for years! That's why Ser Jamie pushed Bran out that window, because he saw them fucking!"

"That's enough!" yell Ned, as he slapped me.

I didn't let it deter me, recovering my wits I added: "And now, while we stand here arguing, the Mad Prince Joffrey has sent an assassin to kill my brother Bran before he wakes!"

"How did you know about that," gasped Joffrey.

Ned suddenly stopped trying to drag me away and turned back towards the royal family.

"It's true?" asked Ned.

"No one was supposed to know," whined Joffrey as he turned to Jamie. "You said it would be a mercy"

"It's true!" roared Ned before turning to Robert. "Your son sent an assassin to kill my son!"

"Seize them!" commanded Cersi as the Lannister guards began drawing their swords.

The Barratheon and Stark guards in the tent followed suit, but the Lannister guards greatly outnumbered them.

"You must choose now, King Robert." I said, stepping towards him. "A war between the Starks and the Lannisters is about to begin. Will you stand with your childhood friend and his family, or with your wife and her bastard son? We may be outnumbered in this tent, but you know what happened last time some Starks were murdered by a Mad King. The North Remembers."

"Anyone who sends an assassin after Ned Stark's son, in no son of mine," growled Robert and he stepped forward and loomed over Cersi and Joffrey. "I'm sorry Ned. But if it comes to a fight with anyone, I'm always on your side, even against the Seven damned Lannisters."

"You're right, we do have superior numbers," observed Cersi, before turning to the Red Cloaks. "Kill them."

Fast as a snake, Robert reached out, grabbed Cersi by the neck and pulled her face to his so he could snarl: "If anyone dies here tonight, I promise you, you will be one of the first."

Ser Jamie pointed his sword in Robert's direction in a threatening manner before saying: "If she dies, you will not outlive her by long"

"Your Graces! If have this fight now, we could all die in the fighting," said Ned "There may still be time to save my son. Why don't we call a truce and go our separate ways?"

"Very well," replied Ser Jamie, as she sheathed his sword. "We'll part ways for now."

But King Robert still gripped Cersi's neck tightly.

"Robert . . . Let her go . . ." begged Ned. "We need to save Bran."

Robert released her with a growl and and stepped away from her. The Baratheon and Stark Guards swarmed around Robert, Ned, Arya and myself as we left the tent. As soon as we were out, Arya slipped from Ned's grip and ran over to release Lady from the post she was tied to. Ned turned to Jory.

"We're traveling light leave everything we can do without on the way to Winterfell," commanded Ned.

The Stark part of the camp became a frenzy as Jory roused the Stark guards and servants and set them to breaking camp. Ned dragged Arya and me over to the Septa to leave in her care when suddenly a crossbow bolt struck her in the neck.

"Ambush!" roared Robert, "Get to to the Horses!"

Ned drug us over to the horses, lifted Arya and I onto a pair of horses while a hail of crossbow bolts shot out of the darkness. After mounting his own horse we took off. I'd only ridden a Horse a few times in my life. Fortunately, the horse knew to follow along with the rest of the group as they galloped Northward into the darkness. After a the initial fear wore off, Arya pulled up along side of me.

"That was great!" giggled Arya. "Did you see the prince's face when you called him a bastard? Why did you do it? I mean, first you claim you didn't know what happened, and then when they threatened Lady . . . . That's it! You didn't care about if I got in trouble, but when they threatened to kill Lady, you stood up to them! I lost Nymeria because of you and your stupid prince!"

"If I let them kill Lady, I would have turned into a Lannister," I replied. "The Starks are all Wargs. If you want Nymeria back, next time you dream of seeing through her eyes, guide her back to us."

"How did you know I dream of being Nymeria?" asked Arya.

"I told you, all the Starks are wargs," I replied. "I have the same dreams about Lady. If we practice, we could eventually learn to warg when we're awake."

Just then, Robert and Ned rode close enough for me to overhead their conversation.

"I don't know why I'm going North," grumbled Robert. "Kings Landing is the other way."

" **I'm** going North because I need to save Bran," growled Ned. "If you need to go back to Kings Landing You can take a ship from White Harbor."

"Of course I'll help you save your son," replied Robert. "When we get to the Twins, I'll send a few Ravens so Stanis and the Small Council know what's going on."

"I haven't told you this, but Cat got a Raven from her sister that claimed the Lannisters were responsible for the death of Jon Arryn," admitted Ned.

"No, Aunt Lysa poisoned him herself, on Littlefinger's orders," I butted in. "He's Evil Mastermind behind it all. He wants to be King. But he such a nobody. He's barely a Lord. So a lot of people have got to die to make that happen . . . the Starks, the Lannisters, the Aryns, the Baratheons . . . ."

"Sansa! Shut up!" yelled Ned. "Your wild accusations have caused enough trouble. I'll deal with you when we stop to rest the horses. Until then, you are not to say another word!"

Arya stuck her tongue at me as I rode in silence. I really wish I read the books now. I watched the show . . . and I read a bunch of fan fiction. But I never got around to reading the actual books . . . mainly because I don't like his wife. Though that guy named Woodstock had told me a story that made her sound like a really generous person. I guess I met her at just the wrong time. This horse riding is starting to hurt. the Stirrups were never adjusted for me. If I were a boy, I'd be bouncing on my balls about now. It's too bad I'm not an Engineer or a Martial Arts expert or a CIA Agent. I'm not certain what kind of tech changes I can bring with the knowledge I have, or if I can even implement them in Sansa's child body. I've appeared too late to do any kind of tech build up. What do I even know? I'm pretty sure gunpowder is made from charcoal, sulphur and bat shit, but in what proportions? I think I might be able to talk a smith through making letters for movable type out of Bronze. But I have no idea how to make paper. I remember the process for making cheap steel is called the Besemer process, but I have no idea how it's done. I know about crop rotation. Good luck getting the small folk to let the noble's daughter tell them how to farm.

After several hours the dawn's early light began to appear. Ned helped us off the horses and everyone gave the horses a little food and water. Once the horses were taken care of, Ned grabbed my arm and dragged me over to a log. He sat me down on the log and bent me over his lap. Then he pulled up my dress!

"Wait! Stop! What are you doing?" I cried as he pulled off my small clothes. (Oh my god! I haven't been in Westeros 24 hours and already I'm being raped . . by my own father!)

"Ow!" It was a relief to realize I was getting a spanking, and not a raping . . . a painful relief. "Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!"

Arya giggled as she watched my punishment.

Finally, Ned tired and let me up.

"The next time we get somewhere with parchment and ink, you are going to write 'I will not cause a war between the Great Houses 100 times!" yelled Ned. "What would make you do such a thing?!"

"I had a vision from the Old Gods," I replied. (falling on the lie everyone in fan fiction uses when they are in my situation) "I saw a terrible future that I had to prevent"

"At the cost of your own life?" scolded Ned. "You nearly got yourself killed."

"I was trying to get Cersi or Joffrey to lose their temper and give me a quick death," I confessed. "I was afraid of what Joffrey or Ramsey might do to me if they had time to think about it."

"Who's Ramsey?" asked Ned.

"The Bolton bastard," I explained. "He's secretly flayed so many people that he has become very good at it. For sport, he likes to hunt young women with dogs. When he catches them, he lets the dogs eat the girls alive. We was my second husband. He raped and tortured me so bad that it still hurt months after I escaped him. I would rather die than go through that again."

"I think you had better tell me the whole vision from the beginning," said Ned.

"Are you sure? I mean I have years worth of material to cover," I explained.

"All right, You can start when we stop for the night," conceeded Ned. "Now go take a piss and get dressed."

I grabbed my small clothes and ran off behind a tree to relieve myself. After a night of riding, I was lucky to hold it during my spanking. Once I was done, I suddenly realized there was no toilet paper . . . anywhere in the world! I looked at my small clothes. It was more of a diaper, the size of a scarf that had been wrapped around in a particular pattern. And now that it's off, I don't know how to re-wrap it. . . . I guess I'm go Scottish from now on.

Once that was over with, I spotted Lady. She growled as I approached her.

"Easy girl . . . easy . . ." I said, as a halted and held out a hand for her. "Look Lady, I'm sorry that I'm different now. But if I hadn't changed, you would be dead now. I'd really like it if we could be friends."

Lady glared at me as she continued to growl. Gradually the growl died down as she approached. She sniffed my hand, then licked it before wagging her tail.

"Girls! Mount up! It's time to go!" called Ned as he approached us to help Arya and I onto our horses.

My butt was already sore from riding before I got spanked. Now I have to ride all day on it. I made sure the stirrups were adjusted before I let him boost me up there.

We rode all day, with periodic stops to rest the horses. We stopped far enough before dark that some of the men could be sent out to "forage", which meant they had gone to steal food from the local farmers. They brought back a pretty good haul. After we cooked dinner, we were sitting around the campfire. Ours happen to include myself, Lady, Arya, Ned, King Robert and Jory along with a few others I didn't know.

"So tell me of this vision from the Old Gods," asked Ned

"Don't tell me you believe her fairy story," laughed Robert. "You caused a lot of trouble, you know, with your accusations about the Queen's children."

"She turned out to be right out Joffrey assassin," replied Ned. "I think she believes her story. Let's hear what it is."

"It begins with three Ranger's of the Night's Watch, going through the tunnel to the lands beyond The Wall," I began. . . .

"Wight Walkers!" interrupted Robert when I got to the end of the Prologue. "It's like I told you, fairy stories. Next you'll be telling us about real live dragons come back to life!"

"The one who got away, was the same deserter that my father executed just before he found the dire wolf cubs," I defended.

"Aye, it's true, the boy did claim to have seen the Wight Walkers in his last words," admitted Ned. "Did one of the boys tell you about that?"

"No, I saw it in my vision," I replied. "Jon told Bran: 'Don't look away. Father will know if you look away'. Anyway, it was a long time later before I learned that Aunt Lysa killed Jon Aryn on Littlefinger's orders. I'll get to that part eventually. But let me get back to the beginning."

I continued the story until Arya fell asleep. By then, Ned insisted I end it for the night. But I could tell he was impressed by my details of events I had not been present for. On seceading nights I continued the story. I did change a few details. For example I told them about Denerys climbing onto Kal Drogo's funeral pyre, but I implied that she'd died there. I didn't tell them about her dragons. Her part of the story ended there. Later, when I told how Tyrion had killed his father, I just said that Varys helped him escape to Essos. I didn't tell any of of his adventures there. My story of my vision ended before last season began, before Denerys brought her invasion fleet to Westeros.

We were almost to the Twins by the time I had finished my tale. Even with my faulty memory, I had supplied enough details to impress my listeners. Arya, in particular, had liked hearing about her becoming a faceless woman and killing the entire Frey family. And she had been overjoyed when Nymeria came back.

"I've noticed that you call me King Robert, instead of your grace," said Robert, who had moved back to ride along side me. "Why is that?"

"It's to remind you that you're the King," I replied.

"Well everyone knows that," agreed Robert. "That's why they call me your grace."

"Yes, but I know from my vision that you don't actually like being King," I said. "You just got stuck with it, because you got rid of the Mad King. But what if you stepped aside and let someone else be King."

"And do what?" asked Robert. "Become a sell-sword in Essos?"

"You could Join the Night's Watch?" I suggested. "You heard my story, the Army of the Dead is coming for us. That means people who are in the Night's Watch when we have the next War for the Dawn are likely to become famous heroes, remembered for a thousand years."

"And who would be King after me?" asked Robert. "I heard your stories about Stanis. He'd be an awful King! And Renly? He couldn't even get it up for Margery Tyrell. Not to mention that as soon as she gets back to Casterly Rock, Cersi will probably start raising an army to help Joffrey usurp me."

"What you need is someone that will both, please, and piss off Tywin Lannister," I pointed out. "A King that would persuade Tywin not to fight you."

"And who would that be?" queried Robert.

"Tyrion"


	3. Chapter 3: Like falling off a log

"What you need is someone that will both, please, and piss off Tywin Lannister," I pointed out. "A King that would persuade Tywin not to fight you."

"And who would that be?" queried Robert.

"Tyrion"

King Robert burst into laughter! When he stopped, he said to me: "That would certainly piss off old grim puss Tywin. But it wouldn't work. He's not in the line of succession"

"I'm not suggesting you actually make him King," I replied. "Just betroth him to Stanis' daughter: Shireen. If you make her your heir, then Stanis will support her and as part of the deal, make Tyrion her hand. In fact, make him Hand now."

"If His son were Hand of the King and betrothed to the future Queen, it might persuade Tywin not to go to war," observed Ned.

King Robert look back in forth between us several times, then, burst into laughter again. He laughed so hard he fell off his log and rolled on the ground. Every time he seem like he was going recover, he would look at the serious look on mine or Ned's face and break into laughter anew. He laughed until he couldn't catch a breath! Finally he calmed down enough to talk again.

"All right," said King Robert. "I'll do it. I'll write a few more letters and send them all when we get to the twins."

Robert was true to his word and with the aid of his scribe he wrote a few more brief letters before going to bed.

The next morning we continued on our journey. It was late afternoon by the time we arrived at the twins. Seeing how it was the King, old Walder Frey was throwing us a feast, just as he had on the way down. It was another opportunity to try to persuade Ned or Robert to make a betrothal with one of his daughters and granddaughters. Lady was let loose to swim across the river herself and A reminder from me persuaded Robert to send his letters by raven to Dragonstone, Kings Landing and Winterfell.

The Freys put out a pretty big spread. It was quite a variety for pre-columbian Euro-food with no spices. In the balcony above and behind us a small orchestra played Early Music sounding pieces. But when they started up the Rains of Castamere, I realized our mistake.

"Father, we need to leave," I said as I tugged on Ned's sleeve.

"The Feast is not over," replied Ned. "Are you tired already?"

"No, Father. You don't understand. It's a trap! Please! We have to leave now!" I begged.

"Nonsense," scoffed Ned. "I know you saw something similar in your vision, but that was your mother and Rob, not us. Besides, they gave us bread and salt."

Just as the song was ending a group of fully armed and armored men in Frey heraldry stormed into the room, forming a shield wall between us and old Walder Frey!

"After I got that raven from Tywin Lanister, I considered preventing you from sending your ravens from my castle," gloated the late Walder Frey. "But soon, they won't a difference anyway."

I turned and saw the musicians had put down their Viols and taken up crossbows. When they fired their first volley, they must have all been aiming at King Robert. But he lived long enough to grab a chair and throw it at the Frey soldiers so hard it shattered when it hit one of the shields, knocking down the man holding the shield.

"Girls, stay behind me!" commanded Ned, as he armed himself with a couple of serving knives from the table and put himself between us and the Frey Knights, who were now moving forward.

Ned Fought them, while back peddling. He wasn't hurting them very bad, but be was not a big enough danger to prevent their advance.

Suddenly I felt multiple great pains as the crossbow bolts hit me. Apparently, they were all aiming at me this time. It felt like being stabbed with a knife multiple times at once and as I bled out, I had a headache that felt like my head was in a vice being squeezed ever tighter, as my vision darkened.

"Sansa!" cried Ned.

"Father!" cried Arya, just before the blackness took me.

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End file.
